Special Woman in your Life
-- May Direct Answers
from Wayne and Tamara
Direct Answers appears in newspapers on six continents.
-- Direct Answers by Wayne and Tamara
"My wife made friends with a woman through her work who is married to an apparent former boyfriend of my wife. My wife, however, adamantly denies they were ever involved. The four of us socialize on occasion at casual dinners with others or parties in our homes.
My wife seems drawn to this man in any social situation. Thirty seconds after I met him for the first time, which was two years ago, he told me he and my wife had not seen each other in over 20 years and did not speak at class reunions.
Then he said, "It was really awkward when your wife and I reconciled, but we got over it and we're glad we did." Since we were in a public setting and I did not know this man, I was cautious about asking what he meant.
There are always innuendos about their past. They might be talking about high school and someone will ask, "What else did you guys do together?" You could cut the awkward silence with a knife while they lean together, touch foreheads, wink or giggle and don't say a word.
Another time I mentioned after my wife had her wisdom teeth out, I had to pour her into bed, half-naked and totally out of it. This man blurted out, "Oh, yeah, I've seen her like that!" Then he turned to his wife and sternly insisted it happened "back in the day...back in the day." My wife never said a word. Everyone around us was stunned.
Last fall this man called to wish my wife a happy birthday. She giggled like an infatuated schoolgirl the whole 40 minute phone call. She kept saying things like, "Oh yes, your voice does sound better. Are you getting enough sleep?" I was fuming, but our kids were home so I didn't question her.
At this man's father's funeral, he and my wife embraced for five solid minutes. His arms were wrapped low around her waist and their bodies pressed tightly together while they pressed foreheads and chatted. I stood by, embarrassed in a room of 100 people.
It feels like I'm being tested to see how far I can be pushed. How do I approach my wife? I'm afraid to bring it up for fear of the ultimate repercussions."
Wayne & Tamara's Answer:
"Zach, putting your fingers in your ears so you don't hear the truth, doesn't stop the truth from existing. When you fear an answer, chances are you already have it.
The power of early romance is very strong, and that is what you are dealing with. Nancy Kalish, a psychologist who has studied rekindled romances, claims when they lead to marriage, 70 percent of the couples stay together. If the two were first loves torn apart by circumstances, that figure climbs to 80 percent.
You are letting this man and your wife chaperone date. The longer this goes on, the more likely they are to realize they don't need a chaperone. When you pretend not to see, it allows your wife to pretend she does not see that you see. That doesn't make it stop, it makes it continue.
Keeping quiet allows her to realize how strong her feelings are for this man. The more you let them get together, the more they can feel each other out. Are you willing to leave your wife? Are you willing to leave your husband?
Two people in love don't dance around each other. They dance with each other. She feels his lead, and he feels her follow. But when she pulls back, he goes with her. It's a dance together. Sometimes she may lead. But they are not dancing around each other, they are dancing with each other.
You have a choice. Raise this issue and test the strength of your marriage, or do nothing and wait for your life to collapse around you."
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at http://www.WayneAndTamara.com
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801
or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com
Read an interview with Wayne and Tamara at: http://datingthread.com/wayne-and-tamara