-- April Direct Answers
from Wayne and Tamara
Direct Answers appears in newspapers on six continents.
-- Direct Answers by Wayne and Tamara
"I am 18. My ex-boyfriend and I met seven years ago. We did everything together but there was no mutual attraction until two years ago, when he revealed he had feelings for me.
I did not feel attracted to him in any way. I only viewed him as a friend or brother. However, he didn't give up on me and kept trying. This past year something changed and I viewed him differently. I realized I did have feelings for him, and after awhile, we began a relationship.
At first, the relationship was wonderful and amazing; I guess it was the "honeymoon" period. Then things went sour as we focused more on a sexual relationship, rather than a personal one. We fought a lot about small things. Another stressor was that in six months we were going to be moving three hours away from each other.
Distance was not a problem for me as I believe love conquers all.
Moving on; months passed and our relationship continued. A month ago to this day, he broke up with me, asking if we could just be friends. I tried moving on, I tried ignoring him, I tried praying, and nothing seemed to help.
I thought by now I wouldn't still have feelings for him, but I can't make them go away. I think I'm okay until I see him in person, and then all the feelings come back. I know I probably haven't been smart about this, as I continued to text him and call him, and at some points, even begged for another chance.
He says he still loves me and there is still an attraction there, but he just doesn't want to be in a relationship again, nor does he desire to try. He thinks we can go back to being "best friends" like nothing ever happened.
I want to be friends, but it is too hard. I don't know what to do. I just feel if someone loves you as much as I do him, you shouldn't let go of that. What should I do? Ignore him? Move on?"
Wayne & Tamara's Answer:
"Danica, in 1527, the Spanish conquistador Pizarro drew a line in the sand and dared men to follow him. Pizarro tempted them with the promise of riches, and that is what allowed him to plunder Peru.
Your boyfriend got you to cross not one line, but two. The first line was the one that told you: he is my friend, more like a brother to me. Having him as a boyfriend would be way too weird.
The second line was sex. When a woman has sex with a man, especially if it's her first time, her physiology tells her it's love. But often, it's just sex. He pushed you across the line in which you had no interest in him, and the line of intimacy which made you think, "This must be love."
Now he wants to go back to being friends. He may even have a little revulsion, the revulsion of having sex with someone who is more like a sister to him. So he tells you, "Erase, erase."
There was nothing for him to lose by saying, "C'mon, c'mon, c'mon." But that's when you should have said no. Many women go through this with the man who badgers and badgers and wears them down.
About the rightwing pundit Rush Limbaugh, an acquaintance of ours once said, "You listen to him long enough, and he starts making sense." Of course. You listen to anything long enough, and it wears you down. You start to believe.
When a guy keeps making you say no, it means he doesn't respect your no. You should be angry he could do this to you and then want things to be as they were. When others get us to cross a line, it's usually to do something we know we shouldn't."
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at http://www.WayneAndTamara.com
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801
or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com
Read an interview with Wayne and Tamara at: http://datingthread.com/wayne-and-tamara